The Room (2003)

In honor of the opening of The Disaster Artist (which is freaking amazing!), I give you The Room.

Booze: Scotchka Cocktail
3 oz vanilla vodka
3 oz butterscotch schnapps
Club soda, optional

This is the ideal cocktail for The Room, because if you’re a fan of the movie at all, you’ll know that Scotchka is what Lisa serves Johnny after he tells her he doesn’t drink. Of course, her cocktail is half scotch, half vodka, straight up. While Johnny may be able to handle that kind of punishment, I can’t. Especially not if I’m going to make it through the whole movie. So I prefer this either shaken over ice and served in a martini glass, or on the rocks with a splash of soda.

N/A option: This is NOT a film for children. Besides the language, there is nudity. Wiseau nudity. I think I’ve said enough.

B-Movie: The Room

The Room is the brainchild of Tommy Wiseau, who wrote, produced and starred in the film. The movie cost $6 million to make, which is in no way evident in the finished product. One critic has called it “the Citizen Kane of bad movies.” The film has managed to achieve cult status, with screenings ala Rocky Horror, where fans show up in costume, call out lines in unison, and throw things at the screen. One of the actors, Greg Sestero, wrote a book about the strange phenomenon of acting in a film that has been both panned and celebrated. “The Disaster Artist” has since been made into a movie starring James Franco and Dave Franco and that film is getting rave reviews-deservedly. But before you run out to see the Disaster Artist this weekend, you should read the book. And before you do THAT, you should watch The Room. I just realized I’ve told you nothing about the plot. It’s a timeless tale of love and betrayal, of men tossing footballs and neighbor children, who when their pervy attempts at voyeurism are thwarted, turn to drugs and gang violence. Also, there is sex. And fashion! And someone may or may not beat cancer.

Best Line:
This is up for debate, but I’m partial to “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!” Useful in real life when yelled randomly in the middle of arguments. Your sparring partner does not have to be named Lisa. In fact, it’s better if s/he isn’t.
Honestly, there are a dozen contenders here, most of which are available on youtube as a compilation.

Best Time to Freshen Your Drink:
Any of the sex scenes. Trust me when I say that there are certain things you can’t unsee. You’re better off mixing cocktails (and drinking) in the kitchen. Take your time.

Take a Drink Whenever:

  • Johnny’s inflection is off
  • Johnny’s facial expressions are at odds with the words he’s saying
  • Johnny’s reactions are at odds to the things other characters are saying
  • You think you can place that accent. You’re wrong. Drink.
  • Lisa’s neck does that weird thing. You’ll know it when you see it. And then you won’t be able to stop seeing it. You’re welcome.
  • A new character gets introduced. Drink twice if you can’t figure out what the hell they have to do with the plot of the movie
  • You think there’s a plot to this movie
  • Someone throws a football

Finish Your Drink When:
Lisa’s dress makes an encore appearance. Yes, he’s doing what you think he’s doing. Just keep drinking.

Cocktail Rating: 
This one is a must for Room viewing. Enough of a kick that the movie gets that much more enjoyable, but not so much that you won’t be able to drag yourself to bed after. It may be a bit sweet for some, but the splash of soda helps.

Movie Rating: 🐝🐝🐝🐝1/2
Another of my favorites, though I expect that’s true for many readers of this kind of blog. I’ve seen it multiple times, and it’s better every time. Best watched with at least one Room virgin. If that’s you, what are you waiting for? If this review alone has not convinced you to see the movie, what if I told you It’s available on DVD and the liquor store is still open? I thought so.

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