Fateful Findings (2013)

Booze: Fateful Infusion
3 oz Rosemary simple syrup – 2 cups sugar, 2 cups water, boiled with fresh rosemary and rinds of 2 lemons
1.5 oz Rehorst Honey Lemon Vodka
Fill with club soda
Squeeze of lemon
Black licorice ice cubes – water, 2Tbsp anise seeds and 2 drops black food coloring. Boil anise seed in water, then strain and freeze

This is a Martha Stewart recipe, found here: https://www.marthastewart.com/314413/black-lagoon-cocktail, which I have tweaked and renamed for this particular movie. Make the ice cubes at least a day in advance and freeze overnight. Make the simply syrup in advance, strain, and chill. To prepare cocktail, mix first four ingredients, then drop in a couple of ice cubes and watch the magic happen! Like Neil Breen’s cube, only cooler.

B-Movie: Fateful Findings

This is our first Neil Breen movie, and it defies description. Imagine if Tommy Wiseau and Garry Shandling had a love child, and that baby grew up to star in a film with the production value, plot, and dialogue of a porn video, but with all the sex taken out. That is Fateful Findings. Forget everything you know about movies. Everyone involved in this film already has. This isn’t actually a movie so much as it is a series of scenes without even the slightest connection to each other. In fact, most of them would play better as a series of SNL skits performed by Will Farrell. That still gives you no idea about the plot, though, so here goes. Pre-teen Neil Breen goes for a walk in the woods with his friend Leah and finds a magical mushroom that conceals a box that holds a black cube. Then we fast forward 30ish? years, and Neil gets smucked by a car. Somehow the grill really messes up his face, and he has to wear a face cast. He heals miraculously fast—because of the black cube, apparently?—and decides he doesn’t need his pills anymore, but when he tries to flush them, his wife fishes them out of the toilet. Ick. She’s clearly got a problem. Neil is supposed to be writing a novel—he’s a writer OF NOVELS—but instead he’s hacking top-secret government and corporate websites. We know this because he keeps telling everyone. Repeatedly. Though to be fair, Neil repeats pretty much everything, top-secret or not. There are also some other random people in this movie, doing random crap that has no bearing on the plot, and not just because there isn’t one. Neil’s best friend has a drinking problem. And the best friend’s wife no longer wants to have sex with the best friend. And someone’s daughter- best friend or best friend’s wife- wants to sleep with Neil Breen, or at least pour bubble bath down his drain. And then there’s the sexy brain surgeon, referred to for half the film as ‘the doctor from the hospital’ because to give her a name would reveal a major plot point! But also, because almost no one in the film has names. Or a purpose. Some don’t even have a full body.

Best Line:
“It’s a crutch!” My 2nd favorite is “I’ve got a damned master’s degree. In computer science. But I’m gonna be a writer – OF NOVELS!”

Biggest Laugh:
This is open to debate, but I love the coffee scene. Neil Breen is a genius, if for no other reason than he’s invented the laziest way to drink your coffee in the morning. And all this time you’ve probably been lifting that heavy mug like a schmuck.

Best Time to Freshen Your Drink:
Neil Breen and Leah reunite at some duck pond. I think we’re meant to believe that they’ve run into each other by random chance, and that their attraction is so strong they can’t stay apart. Or something. Who can tell? All I do know is that by this point in the film, it’s too painful to watch Neil Breen mash his face against someone else AGAIN without more liquor.

Take a Drink Whenever:

  • The camera pans to someone’s shoes. Shoe shot!
  • You figure one of the character’s names. This is cause for celebration!
  • Neil Breen gets naked in a garbage bag room
  • Neil Breen damages/destroys a computer
  • Neil Breen tells someone he’s hacking top-secret government and corporate websites to discover national and international secrets
  • Someone commits suicide using a weapon from the board game Clue

Finish Your Drink When:
If you aren’t able to finish it with the suicide shots, you’ll have to
chug it during the credits

Cocktail Rating: 
This was light and refreshing, and the black ice cubes are the perfect touch. The ice cubes and the syrup require a little prep work, but the effect is worth it.

Movie Rating: 🐝🐝🐝🐝1/2
I almost feel like I need to come up with a completely different rating system for this movie. It is so far removed from the experience of watching an actual movie, it deserves its own category. It was so uniquely terrible, and yet we were all laughing uncontrollably throughout, which is more than I can say about a lot of (supposedly) good movies. Would I watch this again? Yes, but I need a recovery period. Would I bring more liquor next time? Absolutely.