5-Headed Shark Attack (2017)

Booze: Pop Rocks Rocktail
1.5 oz tequila
2 oz blue curacao
Splash of pineapple juice
Prosecco fill

Rim the glass with red pop rocks. Combine 1st 3 ingredients over ice, then fill with prosecco.

B-Movie: 5-Headed Shark Attack

Do not be fooled by the cool title, nor the description on Amazon, which states that the citizens of Puerto Rico are about to be terrorized by a shark shaped like a ‘demented starfish.’ This killer is shaped more like a glove full of shark finger-puppets. And the fifth head doesn’t even show up until more than halfway through the film!!! Now that I’ve got that off my chest, here’s the premise: After a boatload of tourists is killed, leaving behind only a camera with some mysterious shots of a multi-headed shark, the investigating officers call on Dr. Yo and the crew from the Puerto Rico aquarium for some shark expertise. Dr. Yo first tells the cops that a shark attack like this is impossible, then switches gears and offers up some good old Greek mythology references, which is how we know this movie is really going to be grounded in science. Of course, Dr. Yo’s money-hungry boss immediately insists they go after this mythical shark themselves. For the good of the aquarium. In the name of science. To save humanity. He can’t really decide on a reason. Let’s just assume they’re all rooted in evil and go from there. As you might guess, the shark-hunting expedition does not go as planned, which is sad, but also means the survivors can add REVENGE as a motive on their next go-round! This time, we know they mean business, because they’ve added the renowned shark-hunter—and Yo’s ex-lover—to their crew. Lucky for us, Red is slightly more competent and always willing to dive right into the belly of the beast, er, shark. Plus, he’s never at a loss for a good fish tale!

Best Line:
Red, when asked if the spear gun sonar tag will kill the shark, replies, “It’s not impossible that it won’t, but at least if it doesn’t, I’ll know where it is.” Um, what? Triple-negative, anyone?

Biggest Laugh:
Either the shark attack that is obviously a hand wearing a shark-shaped glove, or the shark tipping what is—also obviously—a model boat in a pool of water.

Best Time to Freshen Your Drink:
When the crew heads out for round 3, this time using . . . dolphin recordings? to hunt the shark. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work, but they spend a LOT of time talking about the plan, as well as their feelings. What can I say? This movie has hidden depth . . . charges.

Take a Drink Whenever:
• The shark attacks!
• Someone says ‘Dr. Yo’
• Someone makes a heavy-handed reference to ocean pollution
• Red tells a fishing story
• The shark growls. Underwater.
• The 5th head is finally revealed

Finish Your Drink When:
Red pops the question. This romance may have gotten less screen time than that 5th head, but what the hell. There’s going to be a wedding, so raise your glasses!

Cocktail Rating: 🍸
This was definitely missing something. It had a real ‘island margarita’ vibe going for it, so I’m not sure what went wrong. I’m going to have to play with the ingredients and amounts and see if I can do better next time.

Movie Rating: 🐝 🐝
You can probably get as much out of the trailer for this one as you can from the full movie. Honestly, if you want this many shark heads, you’re better off watching 3-Headed Shark Attack one and a half times. It’s got ten times the charm, plus one Danny Trejo kicking shark ass with a shotgun!