14
Jul
Off

Revenge of the Samurai Cop (2017)

Booze: Samurai Martini

1.5 oz vodka
1 oz ginger liqueur
1 oz plum wine
Juice of ½ a lime, fresh squeezed

Mix all ingredients in shake over ice, pour and serve

B-Movie: Revenge of the Samurai Cop AKA Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance

Boy, where to start with this one? I’m just going to throw out some words, not necessarily connected by any thought, which is how I believe the script was written. Incomprehensible. Samurais. Cops. Bug-eyes. Un-i-verse. Yakuza. Swords. Sparkly bras. Yick Lung. Wigs. Snow. Funhouse. Tommy Wiseau. TOMMY WISEAU! Need I say more? You want a plot summary? Sorry. Best I can tell, there are two clans who are trying to kill each other. So Samurai Cop’s old pal Frank travels 600 miles (with no GPS!) to drag Joe out of retirement so that Joe can stop them and exact his revenge for his girlfriend’s death 25 years ago, which really amounts to Joe half-heartedly beating the crap out of some people while also trying to romance a hot brunette and convince her to dye her hair blonde. Eventually, they all end up at a place called The Complex, which looks like a cross between a funhouse and the deck of a spaceship but is actually the hiding place of BOTH the warring clans. I guess they were strapped for cash and decided to split the rent? I don’t know, it makes as much sense as anything else in this movie. But Tommy Wiseau is there, and that’s all that matters. Besides Tommy, the characters are all played by what I can only assume are aging porn-stars who, like Joe, have agreed to come out of retirement for one last hurrah. The movie was Kickstarter funded, which answers the burning question, how did this get made? And also maybe explains the absurd dialogue—each backer was allowed to write a line! Run it all through google translator a couple of times, throw in Tommy, Bai Ling, and Martin Sheen’s less-talented and shorter brother Joe, and voila! You’ve got Samurai Cop 2!

Best Line:
So, so many to choose from, but I’m going to have to go with “Honor is a cup filled to the needs. Understand?” Because I don’t, but it still made me laugh until I cried. But really, any of Tommy’s lines would fit here. “There are no room for words, Joe!” Or “I’m going to piss on your eyes.” Or “Chow Chen was my best friend, until he became a woman under the influence of alcohol.”

Biggest Laugh:
Tommy Wiseau!!! His funeral speech for his father, during which he prays to a picture that is clearly A WOMAN, is only topped by his almost-death scene, in which he brags, in Trumpian fashion, about all the palaces he’s built (25), complains about his best friend who became a woman under the influence of alcohol, and then threatens to piss on Joe’s eyes. This HAS to be seen to be truly appreciated.

Best Time to Freshen Your Drink:
There’s no right answer here. The plot is impossible to follow, so it isn’t like you’re going to miss anything. But you are going to want to keep your drink full.

Take a Drink Whenever:

  • Samurai Cop gets that bug-eyed look
  • Tommy makes an appearance
  • Any character has a dramatic death scene
  • A Yick Lung commercial comes on
  • Samurai Cop has a flashback and/or hallucination
  • A character says they’ve given up on violence, only to turn around an immediately kick someone’s ass
  • Joe Estevez starts screaming
  • If watching the ‘Revenge’ version of Samurai Cop 2 (like we did), you may also take an additional drink for every creative cover-up of potential nudity

Finish Your Drink When:
Tommy makes out with his sister

Cocktail Rating:   
Good, but the ginger liqueur is really the standout here.

Movie Rating: 🐝 🐝 🐝1/2
If you like Tommy and don’t mind ending a movie thinking, ‘what in the hell did I just watch’? then this is the film for you. It’s absurd and ridiculous and so, so dumb. What’s not to love?

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