29
Jul
Off

Shark in Venice

Booze: Blood in the Water

1.5 oz Rum

1 oz Blue Curacao

1 oz coconut cream

Pineapple juice

Swedish fish soaked in Angostura bitters and grenadine

Soak Swedish fish overnight in 1 oz bitters and 2 oz grenadine. Combine first three ingredients, shake over ice and pour into glass. Fill with pineapple juice. Add 1 fish and a splash of grenadine mix.

 

B-Movie: Shark in Venice

Imagine, if you will, a cheap knock-off of an Indiana Jones movie. But one where Indy fights sharks instead of Nazis, is a lot less cool and a lot more stupid, and is played by Stephen Baldwin. That’s the basic plot of Shark in Venice. Baldwin’s character, Daniel Franks, is a nautical archaeology professor, which when I google it turns out to be a real thing, despite how ridiculous this movie makes it look. We can only assume Daniel’s dad got him his job, because A—he shows no discernible talent or skill, and B—it’s the only reason I can think of that explains why as soon as he gets word his father is missing on an expedition, his boss not only lets him leave to investigate, but offers to pay all of his travel expenses. TO VENICE. I clearly am in the wrong line of work. Once he gets to Venice, fiancé in tow, they discover that his father’s disappearance/death may not have been an accident. Because the elder Mr. Franks just happened to be on a search for the secret Medici treasure rumored to be hidden somewhere beneath the Venetian canals; a treasure the local mob boss will go to any lengths to acquire—including murder. And sharks.

 

Best Line:

“Laura, listen to me. I’m bleeding and I can’t talk. I have to go.” Funnier in context, when you realize there are a dozen other things he could have wasted those precious words on, like, “There are sharks in the Venice canals and one just bit me!” Or “I just found the Medici treasure!” But “I have to go” seems important, too.

And since I can never pick just one, I also want to highlight David playing tour guide and pointing out Venetian treasures to Laura, like the Tower of San Marco. Along with “some other beautiful things.” What are they? We don’t get to see. We can only assume they are beautiful.

Biggest Laugh:

A shark jumps out of the canal to attack the drunk guy on the Venetian patio. Epic, terrible CGI at it’s very best/worst.

Best Time to Freshen Your Drink:

When Stephen starts his history lesson on the Medici treasure. All you really need to know is that there’s a treasure, and Stephen’s going to find it. The rest is just a lot of blah, blah, blah with some mayhem and bloodshed featuring a bunch of faceless characters. It’s also only 20 minutes into the movie, but you’ll probably be in need of another one by this point.

Take a Drink Whenever:

  • A shark attacks. Then drink some more as you try to figure out who the shark is biting and if they will survive and WTF is actually happening, between the churning water and the split-second teeth shots and the blood and the FLOATING BODY PARTS. Seriously, whose leg is that???
  • Someone victim-blames the poor, dead divers. Clearly, it’s their own fault they were eaten by sharks. In Venice.
  • Someone insinuates there are no sharks in Venice
  • Stephen Baldwin exhibits a different facial expression
  • David is somehow able to speak to his team on the surface, despite the oxygen mouth-piece blocking his pie-hole
  • Another character shows up on screen, without introduction or any hint of how they fit into this paper-thin plot
  • You spot a continuity error. Is it day? Is it night? Is he just now purchasing that scarf she’s been wearing throughout this entire scene? You be the judge.

Finish Your Drink When:

Daniel gives his girlfriend a special gift. Right in front of the police. Despite how hard the movie tries to convince us otherwise, this dude is not smart.

Cocktail Rating: 🍸 🍸 🍸

These were nice and refreshing. Tropical, fruity, and not too sweet. The bleeding fish didn’t bleed as much as I’d hoped, but I guess you can’t have everything.

Movie Rating: 🐝 🐝1/2

First of all, there is actually more than one shark in Venice. Also, according to the Wikipedia page, it was shot in Bulgaria. Other than that, this movie is pretty much what you’d expect from a shark flick starring Stephen Baldwin. Wooden dialogue, terrible CGI, and a lot of stock footage of sharks in the ocean, not the canals of Venice. Look, I’m a sucker for a good shark movie. And I really wanted to love this. Even without a weather-related shark incident, or biological shark anomaly. Or Danny Trejo. After all, a shark in the Venice canals??? Think of the drama! Think of the carnage! Think of the absurdity! But sadly, this is where the movie misses the mark. Not one character seems concerned, or even mildly surprised, about the presence of said sharks. Most of the deaths aren’t even shark related! Why is the mob bothering to raise sharks if they aren’t going to throw people to them? Instead, they resort to shooting their enemies like regular mob schmoes. And that’s the real tragedy of this movie.

 

 

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