18
Aug
Off

Shark Exorcist

Booze: Blood in the Water

Blood Shot: 1.5 oz cherry liqueur

½ oz grenadine

Cocktail:  1.5 oz tequila

1 oz blue curacao

Sprite fill

This one requires a little bit of set-up, but it’s worth it. First, pour blood shots into narrow 2 oz shot glasses. Invert cocktail glass over the top of the shot, and press the shot glass tightly to the bottom of the glass before flipping the whole thing over. If you’ve done it correctly, the shot should remain inside the glass. Pour the rest of the cocktail around the shot, which will result in a dome of red inside the blue cocktail. When you’re ready to drink, lift the shot glass to release the blood!

B-Movie: Shark Exorcist

The movie opens with a murderous nun, who tells us that the world has betrayed her. So naturally, she must kill a random blonde and offer her as a sacrifice to the shark demon. Or demon shark? Is there a difference? I have no idea. The plot falls apart very quickly from this point. We jump ahead one year, where we meet our main characters, maybe? Three co-eds headed to the lake—yes, I said lake—where a freak shark attack turns one of them into the demon shark’s minion. After that, there’s not one, but two ghosthunting show hosts who are after footage of the shark, a priest who must avenge the death of his brother (played by the same actor), and a bunch of random people who either end up possessed or eaten. I guess sometimes the demon needs a host, and sometimes he just wants a little nosh. Also, sometimes the people he bites turn into vampires. Or werewolves. The rules about shark demon possession are very loose, apparently.

Best Line: “That’s the thing about almost dying, Emily. It is a real buzzkill.”

Biggest Laugh: The letter the priest receives about his brother’s death, read in what I can only guess is supposed to be the voice of an elderly muppet priest from some obscure European country. Nailed it!

Best Time to Freshen Your Drink: When the random dude starts jogging along the pier. We don’t know this guy, he never shows up again, and his three-minute run definitely did not need to be filmed in its entirety.

Take a Drink Whenever:

  • The yellow-eyed demon shark makes an appearance
  • A body washes up
  • Someone gets possessed
  • Someone vomits. Bonus drink if it’s pea soup
  • Any scene feels like it might’ve been cut from some shark-porn video
  • A child character is portrayed (badly) by an adult. Yes, you’ll drink more than once on this one.

Finish Your Drink When: When the priest exorcises . . .Nope. When the nun shows up again and . . .Nope. When Emily becomes a shark? Maybe. Although the ending following this ‘ending’ is pretty long and boring, so you may want to mix another to get through it. And then there’s still one more after-the-credits scene with ghosthunting Jessica Chastain. Just wrap it up already!

Cocktail Rating: 🍸 🍸 🍸 🍸1/2

Loved these! Fun to look at and yummy to drink. A tad on the sweet side, so if that bothers you, you can cut the grenadine or add more tequila.

Movie Rating: 🐝 🐝1/2

This is a tough one to rate. It mean, it’s bad, no question. And even at an hour runtime, there was still a lot of obvious padding. Had it been longer, it might have veered into ‘painful to watch’ territory. But as is, it was fairly entertaining. You have to admire the ambition it takes to make a movie like this, with such a large cast and an obviously small budget. Yet they managed to give us no less than four—yes, four—endings. But I still have questions. So many questions.

 

 

 

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